We spent 10 years together. Some were easy, others were far more difficult. In the beginning, I loved every minute spent with you. Toward the end, I started to imagine my inevitable days without you. There were so many aspects of me - and yet there you were - center of them all. You tested me in every way imaginable. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. Mentally. There were days I wanted to give up on you, to leave you behind and move on. To be known as something else. Other days, I was so present with you, I forgot about anything and everything else. You were my everything. My family knew all about you; they always asked how you were. Friends would text me; to congratulate us on our milestones. You gave me not one, but two, beautiful rings. When people thought of me, they thought of you too.
We learned together.
We grew together.
We evolved together.
As infatuated as I was with you, I knew we would not last. It was clear from the start and everyone told me to prepare. I knew that one day I would have to move on from you. I dreaded that day. So much so that I chose a college with you in mind, to prolong our time together. Over those 4 years, I felt I had to distance myself from you. I had to develop other parts of me so that when that dreaded day finally arrived, maybe it would be easier…
It WAS not easier.
Initially, I was happy you were gone. I felt refreshed and ready to move forward. I was glad the pressure was off. I got more sleep. I was glad to be without the drama. I was happy to be alone. I stopped putting my body under your physical demands. I was happy to reclaim my time.
Over time, I missed you desperately. I longed for those big time moments. I got too much sleep. I missed the camaraderie that came after the drama cleared. I was lonely. I stopped being physical all-together and gained weight. I did not know what to do with my free time.
It IS not easier.
It has been over two years since I walked away and I still miss you. I am learning to be without you, without forgetting you. It is a process. But I know you, and you would want me to trust in it just as I trusted in you. And while it is by no means inclusive of all my struggles, triumphs, thoughts, feelings or reflections, this letter is proof that I will continue to trust this process. I know you would be proud to see me leaning into it all, acknowledging it all, and feeling it all. You would be proud that I grieve losing you AND I celebrate the value you add to my life.
I think about all you gave to me. You gave me confidence. The belief in myself I so desperately needed. You gave me mentors. Individuals who invested in my growth. You gave me structure. Outlines for my days. You gave me opportunities. To travel nationally and internationally. You gave me an outlet to all my stress. A place to air my grievances and move forward. You gave me direction. A path that was rewarding, regardless of it not being straight. You gave me friends who became family. A support system that felt endless. I carry all you gave with me today. I carry all you gave with me every day.
I think about the lessons you taught me. You taught me how to win. To balance pride and humility. You taught me how to handle defeat. To acknowledge, process, and keep going. You taught me to be a team player. To cheer for every little win. You taught me heart. To fight and keep fighting. You taught me that an assist can be more rewarding than a goal. To uplift others as I rise. You taught me to be present and invest. To be all there or not there at all. You taught me grit. To be passionate AND persevere. I carry all of your lessons with me today. I carry all of your lessons with me every day.
There are so many aspects of me - and yet here you are - center of them all.
When people think of me, I hope they think of you too; everything I am, I owe a credit to you.
I will always be grateful for you, lacrosse.
I will always carry you with me, lacrosse.
I will always love you, lacrosse.
#8 Sydney Steinberg
Keep Making the Pass.
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